shrug {lrh}

january 4, 2015

{ trigger warning }

i stared down at his arm that was covered with scars along with some marks that looked newer. they went all the way up to the inside of his elbow and there were some going all the way around his arm.

"oh my god," i breathed. i looked up at him with my tear filled eyes. our eyes met but he quickly looked away. i gently pulled his sleeves back down and i let him pull his hands away from me.

"pl-please don't tell anyone," he whimpered, "no one else can know."

"i won't tell," i assured him. he looked away and clenched his jaw.

"i was clean for so long but then the other day i-i-i....everything just got to be too much," he whispered, his voice cracking. he covered his face with his hands as he started sobbing. "i'm s-s-sorry. i would understand i-if you wanted to go."

"what?"

"no one wants to be with someone a-as awful as me. i d-don't even like myself. oh god, i hate my-myself so much. i d-disgust myself and i'm just an aw-awful person," he sobbed into his hands. i rushed forward. i tried to calm him down by wrapping my arms around him but he pushed me away.

"just go, you don't w-want to be with someone l-l-like me," he shook his head.

"stop saying that," i commanded.

"i j-just hate myself so much! i c-can't even stop m-myself from hurting myself! i've always hated myself but now...now i j-just want s-someone to h-hurt me even more. i d-deserve more than some scars on my arms."

"no you don't, luke. just stop. you've never done anything, okay? you don't deserve anything that's happened to you and i don't want you to hate yourself."

"i can't help it!" he cried.

"hey, just calm down. just breathe and try and think of happy things."

he slowly raised his head up to look at me. this was the first time that i actually look at his face and not his arms. his eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks were hollow, his lips were chapped, his hair was greasy and messy, his eyes were dull, and he obviously hadn't shaven in a long time. he just looked dead.

"you haven't been sleeping very well, have you?" i tilted my head as i looked at him.

he shook his head sadly "h-have you?"

"it's hard without you there and you were right, being in that house was just depressing for me and i never want to go back," i sighed.

"how's your m-mum?"

"she was good until today. she went to a bar and i had to make her leave. oh, and i guess she was planning on killing me before i was even born," i shrugged it off like it wasn't a big deal.

"what?!"

"she was going to take an abortion pill but my dad said it wouldn't work," i sniffled and wiped my eyes. luke reached out and gently pulled me down next to him. he held me tightly as i buried my face into his chest.

"w-we're so broken," he mumbled into my hair.

i sighed, "we are."

"everything j-just really sucks."

i nodded and got up to shimmy out of my jeans before getting back in his bed. he lifted the covers up and we crawled under them.

"hey, can you promise me that you won't hurt yourself again?" i searched his eyes as i waited for his answer.

"i-i don't know if i can keep that promise," he looked down.

"please, i know you can do it. i'm not gonna leave you again. you're always going to have me here and you can always come to me if you need to talk or if you just need someone to be with you. even if i'm mad at you, i'll be here for you."