shrug {lrh}

december 17, 2014

i sprawled out on my bed, my music blasting i I scrolled through my pictures. they were mostly just pictures of luke. we took a lot of selfies together when we were bored and each one i looked at made a small smile appear on my face. the smile would quickly disappear when i realized he wasn't here. i felt the tears threatening to spill out of my eyes and i eventually let them. i sobbed loudly and rocked back and forth.

"alexa? is everything okay?" my mother shuffled in and looked at me with her worry filled eyes.

"why do you care?" i spat.

she sighed, "i know things are bad and i haven't been the greatest mother but i have a perfectly good reason to-"

"get out! get out of my room!" i shouted and pointed to the door.

"alexa please just-"

"get out!" she finally left and i almost screamed when my door opened. it was just peanut.

"i'm sorry," i whispered to him as he stared up at me. he jumped up and i let him nuzzle his nose into my neck.

"i hate everything," i sobbed into my hands. i started ranting about everything that was going wrong in my life as i cried. the tears didn't seem like they were going to ever stop no matter how hard tried. i hiccuped and dug my nails into my arms. the pain wasn't helping and i was thinking about doing something to cause me even more pain. i quickly pushed the thought about harming myself to the back of my head and continued to sob into my knees.

"i w-want to d-die," i cried and held peanut close to me, "i want it all to end and i want a n-new life. i w-want a d-dad and a mom-m and-d..." i choked on my words as i sobbed uncontrollably. "i j-just really need l-luke."

ny nails dug farther into my skin and i stared at the scissors on my desk. i heard it helped but i also heard it didn't. after what seemed like forever i just made the decision to leave. i couldn't be near those anymore and i needed to get out of here. i wiped my eyes, unplugged my phone, and ran downstairs.

"where are you going?" my mother asked.

"i don't know," i mumbled before slamming the front door shut. i let my feet take me where they wanted. the combination of the snow and the tears in my eyes made it impossible for me to see but then everything cleared and i saw that i was standing on a bridge. i could do it, i could jump. i could end everything and make everyone's lives easier. no one would miss me anyways, right? my mom was always drunk, maggie didn't seem to care, i wasn't close to michael, peanut would find a new owner, anne and charlie would be fine because i wasn't even related to them and i was just a burden. that left luke.

he would be fine, right? he was at the stress center that he didn't like but he would get used to it. he had also made new friends that were really nice so he'd have them. he would probably be sad for a little bit but he'd get over it. i was just the annoying girl who was sad and talkative. that's all he probably thought of me and he would love to have the annoying girl out of his life.

i grabbed the rail, fully prepared to throw myself over but then i stopped myself. i thought about how he kissed me, how he held me, how he looked at me. all of those things led me to believe that i wasn't just the annoying girl to him. maybe i was the girl who he liked to be around. maybe i was the girl who could make him happier when no one else could. that's what he was to me; he was what made me happier and he made life a lot better. so, what if i did jump and what if he found out? what would that do to him? i bit down on my lip as i thought. somehow my thoughts led me to the dream i had where he jumped off this bridge.

"oh god," i mumbled into my hands. i couldn't do this to him. he didn't deserve to come back and find out that i had killed myself. i would hate that. no matter how much that place would have helped me, if i found out luke was dead i would fall apart. i chewed on the inside of my thumb as i stared down at the ice. i was crying again and going over my two options along with the pros and cons of each.