The Little Black Book For Guys: Guys Talk About Sex

Feeling Consent

Antonio Giovanni Rumere and Lucas Perez

First of all, a lot of guys think that when their partner says “no,” the partner is actually saying “yes.” Well, guess what, you guys, you’re wrong! “No” means no, and it will always mean no. It does not mean “maybe,” “probably,” or “later on.” Continuing to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to is not only humiliating and hurtful for your partner, it can also affect the rest of your life. Having sex with someone who says “no” is sexual assault. You could be looking at criminal charges, jail time, and a lifetime record as a sex offender, not to mention the guilt of living with what you did to the other person. So guys, make sure your partner wants to have sex and is capable of deciding that for himself/herself.

How do you know if you have consent?

We have one word for you…communication! Talk to your partner. Make sure your partner WANTS to have sex. Ask your partner and check in during sex to make sure your partner is still into it. As well as using talk, look for non-verbal cues. A partner who wants to have sex will be involved in it, kissing, talking, smiling, etc. A partner who doesn’t want to be there will resist, not participate, or try to pull away. Sometimes people are afraid to say “no” because they don’t want to hurt you or lose you. Make sure you don’t give them the impression that, if they say no to sex with you, those things might happen.

Otherwise, it’s called coercion. Coercion means that you convince someone to have sex with you even though they don’t want to because they are afraid of what might happen if they don’t. Guys, you need to be careful because, if someone agrees to sex because they think they have to, then in the eyes of the law, you do not have consent. Also, someone needs to be aware of what they are doing in order to give consent. So if your partner is too drunk or high to know what is going on, your partner is unable to give consent. In this case, it is best to wait until your partner sobers up—you don’t want to put yourself in a bad position…and we’re not talking missionary.

What do you call having sex with someone without consent?

Having sex with someone without that person’s consent is sexual assault. Sexual assault can haunt the victim for their rest of their life, causing anxiety and depression, and problems with their self-esteem. Being charged with sexual assault can affect the rest of your life. You could face a jail sentence and being permanently labeled as a sex offender—a record that follows you around until you die. No kidding. Sexual assault is an awful crime and a serious offense. Don’t decide your partner’s “No” is a “Yes.” Don’t ignore a “No” now even if your partner said “Yes” earlier. Don’t put yourself in a situation that could be seen as sexual assault. Always make sure your partner wants to have sex. Always make sure your partner is not drunk, high, or passed out. Never make threats. If you have to convince someone to have sex with you, you are upsetting that person and putting yourself at risk. People should have sex with you because they are ready, they want to, and they are into it. Otherwise, back the hell off.

What should you do when your partner says NO?

That’s an easy one…stop. Stop what you are doing immediately.

Respect your partner. Don’t try to convince your partner to keep going. Your partner may not be ready at this time. 

There is a myth that guys tend to think with their penis rather than thinking with their mind. When it comes to sex, you are in control of your body and you make your own choices. Don’t think your behavior isn’t your responsibility, ’cause it is!

What should you do if you are in that situation?

If you are the one who is told to stop, then stop. If you are the one who wants to stop, say ”No.” Make sure you are clear. Hold out your hands and say “No!” If the person ignores you, say it louder. Yell if you have to. If you need to use force, do so only to get away. Avoid putting yourself in situations where you may be in danger. Avoid getting so drunk or high that you may not be aware of what is happening or maybe not even remember.

Guys can be sexual assaulted, too, so look out for yourself. Check out the Resources at the back of this book for where to find more info.

Consent. Get it or get back. Got it?