I am not going to ask you to come back. I know you're not going to.
I know I could keep lying to myself that you still love me. That one day, you'll realize what you lost and you'll run back to me. But I know the truth. We left each other because we're not right for each other. It's as simple as that. Believe me, I am slowly accepting that. I am trying to. But I want you to know that I still think about you. That there are still days where I wonder how you are, what you've been doing lately and most importantly, are you happy? I want to know. I would like to know. We used to talk a lot but now we're nothing but deleted names in each other's phonebooks. Isn't that sad? We used to mean the world to one another but now our names once mentioned, create a hollow feeling at the pit of our stomachs.
This is not what I wanted, okay? There is nothing I would've wanted more in this world than the thought that one day that I am going to wake up by your side. But we can't always have what we want. Most especially when it's not me you really want. And it's okay. It's okay that you lied to me. It's okay that you made me believe that you're staying and that we'll always have each other. Somehow, deep down, I knew this day would come. I guess I just wanted to make myself believe that we could make things last when we love each other. I've always believed that the best way to love you is to stay with you no matter what. But now I know that the best way is to stay away from you.
I've learned that sometimes, the best way of loving someone is leaving them alone.
But understand that just because I'm the one who said goodbye doesn't mean I already left. Most days, I still find myself here—left in the ruins of our love. Strolling and revisiting places where some of our best memories happened. But don't get me wrong. I am not waiting. I know you're not coming back. I know better than to try and find you in places where I lost you. But understand that I am here recreating. Picking up the rubbles like jigsaw puzzles, I am trying to make everything whole again because I want to see the picture. I want to know where it all fell apart and what we could've done to make it right. I am trying to rebuild this place with only me as the inhabitant and you as a distant memory. I am creating scenes where we could've stayed and lived this way forever. This is my coping mechanism ever since the day I lost you.
I am creating a thousand different worlds where we have each other and stayed together because I live in one where we fell apart.
I'd rather live in make believe worlds than admit I miss you so bad.
